Monthly Archives: October 2013

Life & History, Part the First

There’s this website called Making Light (often abbreviated to ML). I’ve been reading it so long I don’t even know when I found it, or even how, although it was probably by way of either Neil Gaiman or John Scalzi (both of whom are terrific writers and both of whom you should check out). At any rate, a few years back on or near the autumnal equinox, one of the moderators there, abi, started what she called the Dysfunctional Families Day thread, based on the idea that not everyone’s family of origin (birth, foster or adoptive family, whatever structure it was that raised them) was the basis for a Norman Rockwell painting or a gooey-sweet greeting card. That some people, in fact, had had it rough, and some had had it horrifically, terrifyingly bad, and many of them were still dealing with the fallout. So she started that thread as a safe haven, where people could talk without judgment about what they’d experienced, share coping mechanisms, ask for advice, or just…talk. Get it out of their systems, because sometimes just being able to do that, to talk to people who weren’t going to immediately say, “Oh, but you have to forgive [parental unit/sibling/other relative] despite the fact they did [horrific thing] — they’re your family!”

Well, no, being family doesn’t actually give you the right to fuck up someone else’s life, even if you didn’t mean to do it.

And every year around the first day of autumn, a new Dysfunctional Families Day thread would go up, and a couple of months later, it would essentially peter to a halt and abi would close it until the next year. Until 2011, when the thread filled up (reached nearly 1,000 comments) in just over two months and abi started another. And then another. And it stopped being an annual thing and is now ongoing because people don’t, it seems, only deal with family fallout during the holidays, although this is a particularly fraught time of year for a lot of people.

What I’m leading up to is that I posted on those threads quite often, those and the various Open Threads, when I was losing the fight to keep my house two years ago. I posted there because it was safe, because if I wanted advice I could ask for it, if I just wanted to vent, I could do that too, and it helped. My life was falling apart in ways I’d never imagined, and it helped to go to ML and write about it.

Things are so much better now. I just passed the one-year mark at my job, had my first annual review (of many, I hope), and they still like me, they appreciate me, they consider me an asset. Oh, I have room for improvement, I always do — and hell, if I ever did get a perfect review, where would I go from there? 😉 — but it’s good.

What follows began life as a post on Making Light, bad poetry and all. It’s been edited to add font differences in an attempt to make it easier to read, and proofed for the most obvious punctuation mistakes, but otherwise, what you see is what I wrote one dark night in 2011.

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Filed under fear, homelessness, inertia, job search, life & history, money


Thanks to my friend Stew, I’ve just discovered a business called Pollen Arts (two links there, FB and their Etsy shop). As you will discover when you visit those links — and you should! — you’ll find that Peter and Juwels pour truly amazing pure-beeswax candles from molds based on antique bottles, everything from ink bottles and Mason jars to liquor jugs. Very cool stuff.

Anyway, now that we’re past the autumnal equinox and officially into fall, p&j do giveaways on the first Friday of the month. Well, they leave the “window” open until midnight Sunday, but it starts on Friday. And their current contest query? (Ooohh, how audio-ly alliterative of me! Auditorially? I dunno, something sound-related, anyway…)

“we thought a nice theme to ask people to comment on some of their favorite things about this season ; ) Apple picking, that extra wool blanket, crunchy red and orange leaves … “

And I thought about it. It’s kind of an odd thing for me to consider since I live in the San Fernando Valley and while I know SoCal does have seasons, they’re rather more subtle that what you get in cooler climes, leaves a riot of red and gold and snow on the ground and such.

I think I found it, though, what I like about fall. Then I realized it was going to tie into things I’ve been thinking about over the last couple of years and…see what you’ve done now, p&j? You made me BLOG! 😀 So…here we go.

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So. It’s been thirteen years since. Since that night I sat in some nondescript room at the hospital five miles away from my house with your folks, all of us wrecks. Listening to the doctor — not the one who’d been your primary since I’d taken you to the emergency room eleven days before, when I got home from picking up my rental car after my second ever car accident, second in six months, even, picked up my car and made a grocery run and got home to find you sitting on the sofa wearing your glasses instead of your contacts, a full backpack beside you, and you greeted me with the words, “I can’t stand this anymore, take me to the hospital,” so I did, because you hadn’t been feeling well for the better part of two months, your parents told me after you… They told me later that you hadn’t seemed quite yourself when we took them out for their anniversary in mid-August, just six weeks or so before.

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